No Guilt About the Beast

it must have been a relief when
I left with him, you wanted me to save
myself but deep down, maybe you also
wanted a rest, wanted to give up and
stem the ever flowing tide
you may have even thought sometimes and worried sometimes
after finally noticing one time that I now had my own little one or ones to protect and love maybe it was leaping onto those you love unconditionally
you may have felt your heart race, wondering if you did everything, if you have done everything to prevent this, whatever this is, whatever this middle class baby boomer generational spit out as sadness offspring
you may hate yourself because you wanted me to go
to hope it might be better away from you
to hope it might be better for both of us
to hope if might be better, even if just for you to not see the suffering
for me?
list the learns I learned and I wouldn’t make you sad or feel like you caused my pain but
I do hold back. I hold it all back from YOU.
and that makes me healthy because I don’t feel bad if I feel anything at all you didn’t recognize in the prized and sunny aftermath of the great war…