What Can I Use (To Stay Alive)

I spend all this time trying to figure out what would make me happy and

if not a what than who would make me happy and

if not now, when?


No Bestow

She could design herself
explain herself 
by the doctors and medicines, a map of how to make her more like “you”.
but they don’t make her normal
God made her exceptional
/hard to handle.

Not to Join

The wall was written on
still the rough brick helped light
a cancer stick delight
and when the beauties walked by
I stuck my hand in my back pocket or maybe plucked tobacco from my tongue. 

Same dance, different position of the sun.

A Whisper Is A Sigh Your Heart Makes

Still going
on and on, pretending till the break of heart and fallen world.
Broke my positive lens,
lent it to clumsy angels and selfish cherubs.
More than a mess is a mess all the way to your first floor slammed knees to the last laying down mutterings,
forgive me Lord, I did my best.

I hope I didn’t fuck up too much.
I hope I did the right thing too much.
And at last…

A whisper is a sigh your heart makes.

Bible Wine

I heard you stopped drinking…
Vicious fishes and loaves story you
me after all a flotilla of
drowsy seen birds to begin
a brand new snafu
in your diary central.

Brain mental 
tape your stories, disguise your
maybe glories with wishy washy prayer hands.
You left the holy ‘out your trinity.
Im back to find the broke human in your internet perky tit video trace.

Finally penance.

The Interview

I didn’t ask for plain view
admission of the fire I started 
under your cauldron.
( most observant of your witchy ways)
You keep selling yourself for

that which you lost.

No Guilt About the Beast

it must have been a relief when
I left with him, you wanted me to save
myself but deep down, maybe you also
wanted a rest, wanted to give up and
stem the ever flowing tide
you may have even thought sometimes and worried sometimes
after finally noticing one time that I now had my own little one or ones to protect and love maybe it was leaping onto those you love unconditionally
you may have felt your heart race, wondering if you did everything, if you have done everything to prevent this, whatever this is, whatever this middle class baby boomer generational spit out as sadness offspring
you may hate yourself because you wanted me to go
to hope it might be better away from you
to hope it might be better for both of us
to hope if might be better, even if just for you to not see the suffering
for me?
list the learns I learned and I wouldn’t make you sad or feel like you caused my pain but
I do hold back. I hold it all back from YOU.
and that makes me healthy because I don’t feel bad if I feel anything at all you didn’t recognize in the prized and sunny aftermath of the great war…

Novena Release

Approaching on the left
edit not the slit cut words
telling stories which ones should I grab and shake a squeezing into flowing
you cut me open to fail the final test 
you leave this mess here and head to mass

novena release.